"No see, 'Halloween' already comes from 'Holy ween'. But it's not a Christian holiday. So who else is left that it must be holy to? That's right, Satan! Which proves that Halloween and everything about it is really about Satanism."
This is absolutely going to work. Remember how grateful you were to that one person in your neighborhood who passed out toothbrushes on Halloween when you were a kid? Remember how it got you totally excited about dental care and made you forget all about the candy everyone else gave you? Remember?
I don't recall anyone on our street handing out dental care items, but there was one jolly fellow who handed out oranges and grapefruits with smiley vampire faces on them. Clearly, he knew about the true spirit of Halloween.
Those suckers bounced like hell, you had to really put some muscle behind the throw to make them splatter against the wall.
I got my first Jack Chick tract one Halloween when I was a young Bort; one house was giving them out instead of candy. So this isn't totally new.
Years later ("I Was a Teenage Bort", soon to be a major motion picture), it occurred to me that Halloween needs to be more Jesusy, so I made a Jesus pumpkin. Despairing expression, eyes casting skyward, long black hair and a crown of thorns. Perhaps the time for this has come around again?
Pencils, toothbrushes, and the "Big Daddy?" tract all suck ass, but there is something to be said for giving something out that isn't candy. Little toys or pretzels become a welcome change of pace when a kid's already got ten Milky Way bars.
I didn't figure out how to win Halloween until I was 16 and no longer cared about it. It's easy. You just bring a baseball bat. It's part of your "costume", but the implications are huge. It's basically saying "you want your car with or without dents?" You get way more candy. You can even steal the bowls the lazy people leave out.
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