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Desc:No seriously, everything in Chris's house burned to ash yesterday. RIP 14 Branchland Court.
Category:Accidents & Explosions, News & Politics
Tags:fire, cwc, sonichu, Chris Chan, 14 branchland court
Submitted:dairyqueenlatifah
Date:01/10/14
Views:5353
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Comment count is 78
EvilHomer
Everyone made it out OK, even the dogs.
takewithfood
So, what combination of hoarding, arson, and/or insurance fraud do you suppose caused this?
Sexy Duck Cop
I would love love LOVE to see Chris-Chan plot an arson. First, he'd invent a character--we'll call him LAVATORR, GOD-EMPEROR OF THE MAGMEN ARMY--then draw a comic where LAVATORR starts a conservative talk radio station only within like three minutes of the first episode the topic shifts from the Obamacare rollout to WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I EJACULATE NOTHING BUT ASH AND PUMICE COME OUT, then LAVATORR would troll Craigslist for a while before some half-Eskimo single mom agrees to give him a flowjob on the condition that she wears lead gloves to avoid scalding herself, except Barack Obama personally kicks down the door to tell LAVATORR he'll be a virgin forever, and somehow this teleports a coffee machine to the bathroom and then somehow the coffee catches fire.

The county prosecutor responsible for investigating the claim would then look at the elaborate water-color-and-elbow-macaroni-with-glue-on-sparkles comic detailing the crime. He would produce a small flask of SoCo from his desk drawer, stare ahead for several long, unblinking moments before unscrewing the cap, then put the cap back on and the drink back in the desk. Fuck it. Life is for the living.

EvilHomer
According to Chris' Facebook, it was a spark from an electric coffee brewer. One of the stacks of junk caught on fire, and as people have been predicting for years, it spread to Barb's entire hoard within a minute.

Apparently they've lost everything, save for the clothes they were wearing and Chris' iPhone, which was in his pocket.
EvilHomer
Meant as a reply to takewithfood.

Cena_mark
They were quite lucky to get out considering how narrow their hallways had become. Hopefully Chris can use this to get a fresh start in life.

HarrietTubmanPI
That's a tall order for Chris.

Cena_mark
He's been so tied down and attached to petty old memories and possessions. His highschool shit, his art, his games, he'll likely just buy more games and make new art, but this could be a time for him to try getting out to the real world.

Adham Nu'man
Folks, sorry to spoil it for you, but this story doesn't have a happy ending.

Aelric
I was never gonna. If he is lucky, he'll find his way to some state institution. If not, well, this is where crazy hobo's come from.

HarrietTubmanPI
Chris is not the kind of person to learn from life's mistakes in order to make himself a better person. If he wanted to he could have turned his videos into a youtube gold mine, but he'd rather try to sell stuff nobody wants (sonichu crap). Yes, he's had his share of trolls, but plenty of people have turned up in his life in order to help him and he never was willing to take anyone's advice or listen to anyone. Even his dad tried to help him, and he kept on doing what Chris does. He'll end up being homeless or a ward of the state.

CIWB
The video says it started in a bathroom. He keeps a coffee brewer in his bathroom?

Oh yeah. This is Chris-Chan. Of course he does.

Cena_mark
His kitchen didn't have room for one so it had to go to the head. The head is like a kitchen. It has running water, but you can shit in it too.

BorrowedSolution
I wouldn't believe anything Chris Chan said about damage done for a second; he's compulsively mendacious and shamelessly self-serving. The house does appear to be relatively intact, is all I'm saying.

Five stars because either way, the authorities are involved. Can't see the fire department turning a blind eye to the blaze-inducing towers of junk and the troglodytes dwelling within.

EvilHomer
Chris is a liar and the exterior of the house looks pretty good, but having seen the House Tour he uploaded last month, I have a hard time believing anything inside survived. His house was packed floor to ceiling with flammable crap; any fire, no matter how small, would have spread through the entire house before emergency services could arrive.

Burned houses don't always show a lot of exterior damage, even when the interior's been gutted.

BorrowedSolution
http://888chan.org/cow/src/138939385650.png (source unconfirmed)

infinite zest
I used to have a pretty big bathroom, so I'd brew coffee right on the counter so it'd be ready when I hopped out of the shower.

EvilHomer
Uhoh. I don't like the sound of "essentials". Knowing Chris, that means his Playstation survived.

boner
My Sims had toilets everywhere. That solved most of life's problems.

Oscar Wildcat
I'm sure he'll pull some choice crap out of the rubble, but the smoke damage alone will make most of it unusable. After the fire dept got through with the water and axe routine I'm sure the interior is shot. The real question is whether the insurance company will tell him to fuck off because the house was a firetrap. I have no idea what kind of policy they had. Either this will be a great blessing for him and state farm pays out, or he's in a world of shit exceeding even that of a visit from Waugh.

Old_Zircon
After some of the stories I've heard of record collectors successfully salvaging most or all of their records after serious house fires, I don't expect something as superficial as severe smoke damage to keep the obsessed from the objects of their obsession.

Sexy Duck Cop
Old Zircon: These record buffs probably had some system in place to minimize atmospheric damage to their collections. Chris-Chan's idea of protecting his assets is probably covering everything in a protective layer of dildos made from some material that hasn't been legal in Estonia since the death of Khrushchev.

Old_Zircon
Not the one I'm thinking of. Anyhow my point was more that he's probably going to keep a lot of stuff that's beyond salvage if he can.

BorrowedSolution
Hoarders gotta hoard, yo.

Gmork
All of you people talking about coffee makers being in the bathroom obviously don't know how high the Shitplume from a toilet flush goes.

Enjoy having drank shit for quite a while without knowing! No but seriously don't ever keep food or food processors near the place you empty your bowels. Just a good idea, is all.

BorrowedSolution
Yes Gmork, and your kitchen sink is many times more likely to have fecal bacterias in it than your toilet. Having your toothbrush uncovered in the bathroom also means you'll be brushing with shit. Smelling shit means you have shit particles in your nose.

Gmork
Why exactly, do you think fecal matter is abundant in kitchen sinks? I don't shit in my sink, and I don't allow guests to. Oh, you're just attempting to say because the pipes are connected it's the same as being in the bathroom.

Nope. I'm not talking about insignificant or trace amounts, i'm talking enough to show up under a UV light. Brightly. And I keep my toothbrush in the cabinet, so no it isn't exposed. And I flush with the seat down, no matter what.

But yeah it's cool to not care how much shit you allow into your mouth! You're cool!

SteamPoweredKleenex
Gmork gets his info about cleanliness from the same source he gets his ideas about guns:

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1317/does-flushing-th e-toilet-cause-dirty-water-to-be-spewed-around-the-bathroom

And it's fecal BACTERIA that are often more abundant in the kitchen. They ride in on raw foods and meats and so forth.

BorrowedSolution
Who's full of shit now, Gmork?

spikestoyiu
Gmork stinks but brewing coffee in your bathroom is still super weird.

EvilHomer
I'm submitting a couple paintings to a gallery show next week. It's an annual veteran's art thing, nothing fancy, nothing special. Earlier this week, I was kicking around the idea of submitting some Sonichu fanart, you know, just for laughs - HAWHAW look at that painting of Sonichu hanging in an art gallery, how silly and absurd! faaaart

But now I think I *need* to submit some Sonichu, and not as a joke, but as a tribute. Any ideas? What do you guys think would make a good scene? I've only got two Sonichu inspired pieces right now, and they're both pretty boring.

(I don't want it to be mean-spirited - like Sonichu roasting marshmallows over the smouldering remains of Chris' house - just something nice)
sasazuka
Sonichu with an American flag backdrop. Nothing more, don't over-ween it.

Sexy Duck Cop
I'm not up on my art-world terminology, but it should be one of those hideous, uninspired Madonna and Child paintings the Church commissioned by the wheelbarrowload for 500 years. You know what I'm talking about: Sickly green-yellow skin, bulbous alien heads with elongated necks forever craned at unnatural angles, hands awkwardly floating halfway in air like an indecisive nerd trying to interject in a conversation but unable to get the courage to speak up. Chris should be Madonna, Sonichu should be the infant Christ, and the radiant glow from his head should be a dozen sopping wet pussies.

Bonus points if there's a conga line of broken-necked alien-headed trolls in the exact same posture, only with little word balloons making disparaging remarks about the Mohammedians.

memedumpster
The best of those paintings has milk shooting out of the nipple into a Bishop's mouth.

Oscar Wildcat
Suggested text "I need a hero!"

sasazuka
Maybe put Sonichu in an Army uniform, but that's it. Don't put any extraneous in-jokes in it. Sonichu is already an in-joke, it doesn't need any more levels of Julay/Pickle lameassery.

Oscar Wildcat
Also: Sasazuka has the right idea. Cook it like a fine steak; don't want shoe leather do we?

TeenerTot
Sonichu with a single tear, standing on a gaussian-blurred oval white background, with a screengrab of the burned house behind and "NEVER FORGET" in block letters of red, white and blue. And an eagle for some reason.

Sexy Duck Cop
double also re:memedumpster: I have seen that painting in person at The Prado and took a picture. If EvilHomer's too much of a lazy bag of shit to paint my life's work for me, just draw this only with Sonichu jizzing in Chris' open, eager mouth.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/89941036@N00/279356137/in/set-721 57594367165603

http://www.flickr.com/photos/89941036@N00/279355635/in/set-721 57594367165603

TheOtherCapnS
Sonichu fire fighter, helping to put out the blaze with a giant force ghost of CWC's dad looking on in the night sky above the house.

EvilHomer
Hey guys, here's what I've got so far... I was trying to go for a phoenix-motif, but I'm a little worried that it may be taking on some vaguely Satanic undertones. That might just be me, though, I always get paranoid about things like that.

http://fav.me/d71ofkx

Let me know what you think.

(at first I was thinking of using the patriotic Sonichu idea, maybe have him posed like Phoenix Wright, while a couple fighter jets streak overhead, leaving star-n-stripes chemtrails in their wake. But I thought referencing the fire would be important)

Oscar Wildcat
Ha ha, Homer, what the VA Art Therapist must think of you...

EvilHomer
She thinks I'm too nuts for the Art Therapy program... :( And they don't let you draw clop art there, so what's the point? Anyway, if anyone cares, I'm also going to be entering the Obama painting I did for 9/11.

http://fav.me/d6vpzex

That's another reason I don't want to do a patriotic Sonichu picture; one patriotic piece at a time is quite enough for me.

EvilHomer
Does anyone know if it's still possible to contact Chris? From what I understand, he's been pretty locked up, privating everything and generally refusing to have contact with anyone he doesn't know IRL. I don't really blame him, but I would like to get his approval before using his True Original Character in a show, however podunk that show might be.

Cena_mark
Don't leave out Petty Officer Applejack. That's a masterpiece.

Scrotum H. Vainglorious
http://fav.me/d6vpzex
^^^^^

Chirst nuts, that is beautiful.

Old_Zircon
Yeah, more of that less ponies. Seriously. It's really good.

Oscar Wildcat
As I've opined before Homer, stick with the oils. For whatever reason, you seem better able to channel some interesting ideas in that medium.

Sexy Duck Cop
Who else experienced this exact arc of emotions:

1) "Oh my god, that's horrible. He's been a silly, amusing e-personality for the past few years, but I really hope he's okay."

2) "On second thought, as harsh as it sounds, this is probably for the best. The only thing enabling him to coast through life was the excess money he had as a result of living rent-free. When he moves into his new place, he'll be forced to take on adult responsibilities, whether he likes it or not. Plus this lets him make a clean break from the past."

3) "Oh wait it's fucking Chris-Chan. He'd live in a model tub at Bed, Bath, and Beyond as long as it had a privacy curtain to let him jerk off."
Old_Zircon
Since his notorietyall but guarantees that in another few decades (I give it 5-10 years after his death at most) years or so he'll be recognized as an outsider artist and people will collect his work, my second thought after "I hope everyone is alright" was "the CWC body of work just got way smaller" followed by "any surviving originals are now future treasures."

I know I wish I had a Chris-Chan original now.

Sexy Duck Cop
"Do you like it, Mr. Bond? It's an original Chandler. Notice the tortured magic marker strokes, illuminating the inner tumult of the Virgin With Rage. Truly, Mary Lee Walsh was a giant bitch.In many ways I identify with the artist. We both lost our fathers at a young age. We both were kicked out of Target for masturbating into a Sippy Cup and then drinking from the Sippy Cup. "

Oscar Wildcat
For what it's worth: My first thoughts pretty much matched Zircs.

EvilHomer
Yeah, same as OZ. I'll be bummed as shit if all original Sonichus are lost forever.

Old_Zircon
Kind of reminds me of when we realized Skippy White's record collection was probably destroyed by Katrina.

Scrotum H. Vainglorious
Glad the dogs made it out.
RedRust
Nothing more is surprising about the life of Chris Chan...
BorrowedSolution
There's one thing that would shock the world to its roots: If he turns what's left of his life around.

RedRust
That's true...

themilkshark
Chris has got the Touch.
MacGyver Style Bomb
Word is he's thinking of going after the manufacturer of the coffee maker, a civil case that no attorney on Earth would try to carry out once with all the evidence to the contrary.
Xenagama Warrior Princess
I misread that statement from him as the family going after the company [State Farm] because it decided to short them on insurance money, which would make a modicum of sense.

However now I realize that is not the case. Them suing the coffee maker company is the more ludicrous and logical conclusion, because these are the Chandlers after all.

Rodents of Unusual Size
I would hate to be the fireman that sustained minor injuries, only to find out what it was for, and that letting it burn would have been the best of all possible outcomes.

5 stars of relief that a hoarder stash is gone.
Cena_mark
The job is certainly dangerous enough without the risk of being buried under 30 years worth of magazines.

Cena_mark
I wonder if some fire departments give their personnel training for hoarder situations. Despite being a small percentage of the population I'm sure they're far more likely to have fires or other emergencies that'll require fire departments.

Sexy Duck Cop
Seven brave men died in that conflagration. An eighth emerged from the house with permanent lung damage, clutching an original Sonichu Sub-Episode 2. His last words before slipping into a coma were "Hahahahahaha is he seriously hitting on the girl who just trolled him? This is the best thing ev--".

MacGyver Style Bomb
Oh Christ, the comments:
http://www.newsplex.com/home/headlines/Firefighters-Called-Out -to-Early-Morning-House-Fire-in-Greene-Co-239631301.html
EvilHomer
I felt so bad for laughing at the "zapped to the extreme" comment.

Sexy Duck Cop
Page is missing. What was on it?

Oscar Wildcat
SDC: One of the "secret handshakes" of this site is knowing that links are broken by design. Lop off the extra space after the word Out, then the page will load.

dairyqueenlatifah
The names attached to the comments really make them.

sasazuka
The news story via URL shortener: http://goo.gl/l4llxf

Nikon
I've said some unkind things about CWC in the past, but this is pretty harsh. This kind of thing is awful for anyone, but CWC has autism and his identity was so strongly connected to his own collection of toys and games. If the model high school was also destroyed, it'd be a literal metaphor.
BorrowedSolution
It was 'slightly melted'.

Feel better soon!

garcet71283
I think we should start a kickstarter to build them a new house.

Of course, there would be cameras in every room.
Gmork
No "Fund my life" projects on kickstarter

dairyqueenlatifah
What about funding the next hit TLC series?

EvilHomer
If these news people have any eye for opportunity, that is exactly what they'll do.

Channel 19 can provide pdunk news to podunk suburbanintes in Nowhere, Virginia from now until the cows come home, or they can get off their butts and launch the next reality TV viral mega-hit. Carpe diem, ya bastards!

Gmork
Well technically a TV show (or episode) is a product, so yeah that fits kickstarter's reqquirements!

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