I do not recognize them as Dwarves. They are gnomes, or albino Svirfneblin at best.
Hitler is rolling in his grave.
Pop punk cartoon themes seem so 2008.
|infinite zest |
It can't be worse than Mighty Ducks.. maybe it can.
It might be even worse than Quack Pack.
It's not Disney, but the correct horrible cartoon analogue to this is "Loonatics".
oh god. It's really too bad that Gravity Falls is surrounded by shitty disney programming, whereas Adventure Time introduced me to Gumball, which is personally my favorite animated program now. I really hope Disney drops it and it finds a new home. Personally I don't hate Disney. Philip Glass wrote an Opera about him which is really good called The Perfect American that I'd highly recommend. Like Heidegger (or to an extent Riefenstahl) he sympathized but only so far. That's not to say it makes any of it better though. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Ducktales was the best cartoon ever and I wouldn't care if it was created by Idi Amin.
|Killer Joe |
In the political comic about this, the character designs of the dwarves would be just the same, doing radical things, with a little insert of me scowling with a word balloon that said "Hi-NO." with NO underlined a bunch of times.
And the corpse of Disney menacing a weeping Lady Liberty.
I just need a title.
No Right (to rape the corpse of) The Seven Dwarfs
"Where are those poison apples when you need them?"
The character design makes me think Disney really wants to milk all the fandom they've generated with Gravity Falls for all it's worth, without understanding why Gravity Falls has a fandom.
So I was bored and did some wiki spelunking on the Seven Dwarves.
In the early 2000's Disney had a straight-up prequel to Snow White in production called Dwarves, which would have answered the burning, potentially society-destroying question of how the Dwarves met. It never got past the storyboard stage.
The main plot thread was about why Dopey can't talk. It turns out that it's due to horrible emotional trauma after Dopey witnessed his mother's murder as a child. That is not a joke.
I had to google it myself to believe it. Lasseter canned it, along with every other direct-to-video sequel/spinoff that they were working on (with the exception of "The Little Mermaid III" which was basically complete at that point), as soon as he was hired as Disney's chief creative officer.
God bless John Lasseter. I can forgive Cars and Cars 2 knowing how much embarrassing shit he's stopped Disney from doing in the last eight years.
And boy! What a Hawaiian shirt collection!
John Lasseter deserves no accolades, he's a shitpile. Who cares if he stopped some shitty movies from being made, he's still a force for cinematic shittiness.
He directed the first two Toy Storys and has overseen Pixar since its creation. No person is more responsible for that studio's success than he is.
Yeah, the Cars franchise sucks but people get way too preoccupied with it. If Cars is the price we had to pay for stuff like Up and Wall-E than they can go ahead and make that Boats trilogy and I object.
And I WON'T object. But I like that typo, it makes the post sound like I interrupted myself. In cartoon nerd court.
Counterpoint: a prequel where Dopey's mom gets murdered would have been amazing. Lasseter needs to stop interfering with Disney's natural development, because it is clearly a thing of beauty.
The Dopey-murder story is about two-thirds the way down the page, under the section titled "A Dopey Idea". It is hilarious.
At the end, it is revealed that the main guy behind Dwarves (who, it us worth noting, was against the Dopey's mom idea) went on to do such things as Rob Zombie's Haunted World of El Superbeasto, an animated version of Dante's Inferno, the Dead Space movie, and... Postman Pat.
I am genuinely upset the Dwarves movie got cancelled now.
Can you give some examples of shit Lasseter has done to make you hold such contempt? The quality of Disney's flagship animated features has done nothing but steadily increase in quality since he was hired, and with the exception of the Cars films, I can't see how anyone with a straight face could label anything by Pixar "cinematic shittiness".
After reading that I'm inclined to agree, I kind of wish the Dwarves movie was a real thing now.
|Rodents of Unusual Size |
I thought this was going to be some kind of scifi cartoon. Like, the 7th Dimension, complete with aliens.
Five stars for being hilariously awful.
When I play Dwarf Fortress, I ALWAYS name my starting seven after the Seven Dwarves. I know I'm not alone. It allows me some degree of continuity.
One time, Happy fell into the moat, which was not yet full, and he kept swimming for an entire season, and he became wildly buff from doing so. I finally let him out, he became a wrestler, and threw a cyclops across theexpansive courtyard, and then ripped a zombie unicorn in half. He eventually died, murdered by the Hammerer (dwarven society's equivalent of justice) and his ghost haunted the dining room for several years. I finally set up a solid gold tomb with statues of him in platinum, the walls decorated with his feats, because the other dwarves idolized his exploits.
Another fortress, Doc accidentally mined into Hell and everybody was killed by a swarm of demons.
|Shoebox Joe |
The sneak peek is just as horrible as you might imagine. An extremely dry Abbott and Costello routine with the only creative detail is that Dopey is now Harpo Marx in terms of communicating via whistling. I think he did something else but what I can casually remember didn't seem that very funny at all.
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