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Desc:company sells life-size cardboard cutouts of soliders to aid children whose parents are at war
Category:Advertisements, Military
Tags:wtf america, flat daddy, valuable service, problem solved
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Comment count is 8
onionradish - 2014-12-25

Flat Daddies are one of my favorites, because of Alektrophobic's hypotheticals, posted here years ago (all credit to him/her):

Alektorophobic 08/31/06, 10:13

Real daddy is captured during an insurgent raid on his post. He is held in a secret location, tortured, brutalized, ravaged, but kept alive. Ten years later, his captors are killed in a shootout, and he is discovered. He is haggard, broken down... whole, but not whole. They send him home, with a lengthy visit to the psyche ward at a military hospital.

Finally, he is returned to his family. They hug him and kiss him and are happy to see him, but he's never really been gone to them. He hasn't seen them in forever... his children are older, his wife a little more wrinkled, but they are more shocked than he is, because all this time they've had a static visual of him. What comes home is this ruin of a man with a slight tic and a stutter and who can't get in the shower without leaving the door open because otherwise he starts crying and rocking back and forth.

It comes to a close at dinner, when real daddy starts having one of his episodes. The kids start crying, and then run and hug flat daddy, declaring him their real daddy. Wife throws her plate on the floor in disgust and tells real daddy that he's not the man they knew, and that he'll never hold a candle to flat daddy, who they've grown to love.

The neighbors call the police the moment they hear the gun shots, but they arrive too late to save anyone.

Real daddy goes off to war. As so often happens, mommy meets someone new and gets a divorce from her distant husband. However, little Becky loves her old daddy, and can't stand to part with flat daddy. New daddy has to fight daily to earn her affection, because she compares everything he does to flat daddy, who never does anything wrong, and sometimes tells her she can do things she wants to but is told by new daddy not to, like draw on the walls or bake mud pies in mommy's oven. She hates her new daddy, even though he's a really nice and gentle person, because he's strict and punishes her for doing things flat daddy said she could do.

One night, flat daddy tells her that he hates to see her cry, and that he wants to help her by making new daddy go away. Flat daddy tells her to go to the kitchen, and get one of the knives mommy keeps in the second drawer down next to the refigerator. She carrys flat daddy with her, and fetches the gleaming blade. Flat daddy asks her to help him just a litle more, because he can't hold the knife. Please, Becky, please tape the knife to me. You know where mommy keeps the tape. She wraps the tape a dozen times around the handle and flat daddy's foam hand. Walk me up to the bedroom, Becky. Take me to new daddy. She drags flat daddy up to mommy and daddy's bedroom. They're sound asleep, new daddy snoring lightly. Now, Becky, NOW! Becky lifts flat daddy over her head and helps him hit new daddy. New daddy instantly wakes up, screaming as flat daddy hurts him with mommy's knife. A dozen times flat daddy hurts him, before mommy gets a chance to figure out what's going on, woken from her dreams by the screaming. Now everybody's screaming... Becky screams in satisfaction, mommy screams in horror, and new daddy screams in pain as he dies.

At her psychological examination, Becky continues to insist that she didn't do anything... that it was all flat daddy... that flat daddy was protecting her.

You may have stolen the idea I didn't write this morning because I was late for
Sean Robinson 08/31/06, 09:32
work, but three other possible horror scenarios that this thing would seem to prompt:

1) Daddy comes home, not dead Thank the Lord, but not whole either. An IED shook his hand and took it home, with a leg and an ear and a face and some guts and a couple of balls. And this soldier comes home, tattered and torn, to face his family only to find himself whole and smiling in a cardboard mirror. He comes home and he can't find a job and he can't look at his family right anymore and his baby cries when she sees him and in the corner, propped up against a wall he can see himself as he should be and the nervous smile on that board, mustered just before he was deployed to shelter his family from far away, starts to look a bit smug and unknowing and hateful.

2) The newest model comes with a little screen over the face and a speaker hidden in the chest. Mostly it shows recorded messages with a video of the soldier's face looking around like he's sweeping a proud gaze over his safe family as they gather around the table and tells them all how proud he is of them and how much he misses them and that he loves them all. Sometimes however, they all get lucky and the screen shows Daddy talking to them over a web-cam with only a slight delay. He can hear his children's voices and the see the tears in their eyes and he promises them that he'll be home soon, safe and sound. And sometimes, while he sits in a basically safe base Shi'ite police officers, outraged at having to help Yank soldiers prevent former Sunni militants from getting slaughtered by an uncontrollable brigade of the Mahdi Army, turn their guns on unarmed American soldiers relaxing at their base. The face in the screen turns around, turning the cardboard simulacrum's face into a patch of a shaved head and then a bang and then static and then the soldier's face resumes from a month before it sweeps a proud gaze over its safe family as they gather around the table and tells them all how proud it is of them and how much it misses them and that it loves them all.

3) She started sleeping with the guy about two months after her husband left. She doesn't think the kids know, but she doesn't really care. The cardboard cutout lies propped up on a wall in her room, because it freaks her out a bit when she sees the kids talking to it. The guy grunts at it, a picture of his old friend, and flashes it a little smile before he climbs into the soldiers bed. Sometimes she looks over at it when the guy is on top of her and mouths, 'Fuck you, asshole.'

The Mothership - 2014-12-25


Chocolate Jesus - 2014-12-25


Bort - 2014-12-25

Anyone know how Alektorophobic is doing these days? Last I had heard, he was hospitalized in a vegetative state, without an optimistic prognosis. (No, I'm not making a Flat Daddy joke; maybe I got gamed into believing Alektorophobic was in a bad way, but that's my understanding of his condition as of a few years ago.)

EvilHomer - 2014-12-25

These things are nice! They're a little corny for my tastes, but they do seem to be popular with lonely family members, particularly young children, and best of all they're usually given away free of charge.

dairyqueenlatifah - 2014-12-25

I assumed it was going to be some sort of gay dakimakura.

What a letdown.

EvilHomer - 2014-12-25

They make G-rated dakimakuras, too! In fact, most of the US-based "body pillow" companies I've seen like to advertise their products as being perfect for displaying wholesome, stay-at-home-mom style images. Military themes are quitepopular with dakimakura manufacturers operating outside of Japan; military families get them for the same reasons as they get Flat Daddies.

Accidie - 2014-12-25

This start-up has my $$$.
They made a nice infographic because I would have had trouble understanding.

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