Nope, I just learned how not to take poos that splash all over the place...I thought everyone did eventually.

Seriously, who doesn't do this? Five for this guy's accent making me think Christian youth pastor.

He's from Alabama, and I can't stomach his videos because he's so clean-cut that I get squeamish.

Plus the true secret is to either take liquid shits or footlongs.

"who doesn't do this?" Do you guys pee sitting down too? Yeah it happens but it's only bad if you already pooped and it was like some soupy poop, and then you need to poop again, because poop all over the butt. Like, have you gone whitewater rafting or skipped rocks? That's water that's near your face and that water is full of poop to begin with. The water in the toilet is clean and bacteria doesn't have time to get into the water that splashes up, and even if it did it wouldn't really matter because unless you like eating Hot Pockets off other peoples' naked buttocks without a plate, or if you're just totally into eating ass guess what there's shit there anyway. Even when you shower with a loofa like I do and clean it all out, unless you sanitized that loofa before every use you're just spreading around soapy shit from last time.

Like, think about this the next time you're making chicken and put it in a bowl of water to defrost it and it splashes and hits you in the face. Did that water have raw chicken all over it and will you get salmonella if you don't immediately wipe it all off and sanitize your face before it gets in your mouth?

I'd heard of this by middle school but even at that age I was on the same page as SolRo.

The one person I can think of who did this turned out poorly, I assume it's a sign of some kind of mental deficiency, just like hanging the toilet paper so it unrolls on the wall side.

I've never done this because it seems like wasting toilet paper, but now I will because fuck that one-ply bullshit they put in at my office.

Oh yeah.. didn't think about work.. my last office job the toilet paper wasn't even worth stealing. Currently I work with a someone on a very fixed income so I make sure to beforehand.

Plus it's going to be germier if you get your hands near or on the toilet bowl. Even if it's a dirty toilet, the water itself is still clean and only goes up to the poopy parts, so you're probably gonna get it on your hands which you then use to eat the hamburgers with. And you've gotta wash for a long time to get rid of all the traces of the poop, which most people don't do. So the best thing is, like yogarfield said, to take really big shits which will happen with plenty of fiber, and if you're gonna take a small one, just go outside and carry around a plastic bag. Pick it up and people will assume that you have lost your dog on a walk after it went after a cat and/or motorcycle and not say anything, just show empathy for the man carrying around a bag of poop with no dog.

I have been pooping for more than thirty years, and this has never been a problem for me. It did not even occur to me that it should.

I'm going to be in Portland in a few months, and I was thinking it might be cool to meet up with IZ. But now I am too afraid.

Same.

But for anyone who is in Portland mid-August I'll be playing a show if you want to hear me fuck up my introverty electropop songs as performed live on guitar. http://www.songfight.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=9701 has the deets.

um

That is a five star poem if I ever saw one.

You shit on us, AmeriKKKa, I shit on you!!
.....

Did you have the chili?