um....
I don't even

Jesus blood never failed me yet, you heathen bastards.

I like the Committed ASL Guy and his signage for trailing off.

Back when I was in high school my swim team coach would take us all out to the Old Spaghetti Factory the night before a big meet to carb up on all-you-can-eat Spaghetti. I just took one plate and didn't eat it and smoked weed and I won almost every heat while everybody else had spaghett-carbi hangovers.

Coach drank so much he saw the whole race in still-frame.

I married a southern girl in a tee-totaling christian denomination, and they had a similar understanding of booze. One drop and you were a hopeless addict, with only pain and the emptiness of an existence without god to look forward to.
Then she got out of the south, and her tiny-ass town, and saw that people can drink, have fun, and not be abusive, godless pagans after.
She also had a friend that went the whole christian "Be a kissless virgin on purpose till marriage" route, went to a christian college, met some chick, mistook infatuation for love, can't fuck unless you get married, so married her after a whirlwind courtship, as in a few months that they knew each other, had awkward (I assume) sex, knocked her up, had a kid and have now realized they have nothing in common and hate each other.
But divorce is evil, so they have a long grinding life of emotional isolation and constant temptation to look forward to. The kid will be better for it!
And hey, no STDs!