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Desc:So, uh, those reviews say it's not so great. Cheer up, Ben, you're still filthy rich.
Category:General Station
Tags:movie, Superheroes, shit, ben affleck, Batman vs. Superman
Submitted:Scrotum H. Vainglorious
Date:03/25/16
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Comment count is 42
Bort
I haven't seen the transcripts of Batman v. Superman yet, so maybe my opinion will change, but for now I feel very bad for Ben Affleck. He not only starred as Batman but rewrote large parts of the script, and I wouldn't be surprised to find out he did an excellent job ... but an excellent job of a direction people don't want to see.

If you don't have a good reason for Batman and Superman to fight -- and there aren't many -- the entire film falls apart.

When the two met in the cartoons years ago, this was the entire scope of their fight, plus some other fun stuff happening:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5nUsa8ZLm4

Most of the rest of the movie was the two of them working the case, occasionally together and bristling a little but mostly operating as a team. And what was the heart of that case? Nothing so ponderous as a superficial argument about power and responsibility, just a straightforward supervillain plot:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-kgrl9vKxI
Bort
It's possible to have fun with superhero team-ups. Consider:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv02UYr3LCY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBvDzcX214Y

I'm not going to claim any of that is Shakespeare, but goddamn at least it's possible to enjoy it.

Monkey Napoleon
Frank Miller wrote a Batman V Superman story (more of a fight really) that was pretty good.

So good that they made an animated duology out of it, cribbed parts of it to finish up Nolan's trilogy, and lifted everything in this movie that isn't part of the lame tacked-on attempt at their own cinematic universe from it.

memedumpster
The Lobo and Superman vs. alien zookeepers episode would have made a fun movie.

Fun movie.

FUN.

EvilHomer
They had a Lobo episode?

Bort
Brad Garrett (the tall brother from "Everybody Loves Raymond") did his voice.

You know what Lobo looks like these days in the comics? I'll show you:

http://www.placesandpredators.com/53/Lobo5e.jpg

For those of you who liked Lobo except for the parts where he was ugly, ill-mannered, foul-mouthed, disgusting, and creatively violent ... they've fixed him for you.

OxygenThief
Jesus, Bort, that's a depressing picture.

memedumpster
:(

>:/

>8[]=%^@%$&^%#&@

That was the worst two panels of media I have ever seen. Death to whatever that is. Death to it now.

EvilHomer
That... is a little depressing. But it's important to remember, there was a time when Lobo looked like *this*:

https://blogintomystery.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/om3a.jpg

Have they changed his character at all? Was making him metro simply a cosmetic alteration, or does he have a different attitude and outlook on life now?

Bort
See for yourself. Here's a review of "Lobo" #8 by a guy who was trying to review every comic DC was publishing, including ones he didn't like (and he most certainly didn't like this one).

http://tessatechaitea.tumblr.com/post/123974188283/twat-lobo-8

I think they're going to de-metrosexualize Lobo this summer when they relaunch their comic lines.

Bobonne
They came out with "Nubo" as part of a drive to attract more female readers, apparently, his creator was female, and he was intended to replace the original Lobo permanently. But more than that, he was supposed to have been the "real" Lobo all along, with the Lobo we all know and...know to have been a fake/malfunctioning clone all along. Thus, Nubo tracked down and killed the original Lobo, and has, since then, been gracing us all with his edgy nothing personal just business cultured and measured assassin persona, rather than the crude doesn't give a fuck original Lobo personality.

Some fans have tried to rationalize it all by claiming that Nubo is a satire of modern day sexy comic anti-heroes just like Lobo was a satire of 80s over the top violent comics, but no, DC appears to have genuinely been trying to play it straight in their attempts to market and utilize him.

Of course, his series has sold like dogshit, and the vast majority of the fanbase has utterly rejected him, so DC appears to be poised to retcon Nubo as another malfunctioning Lobo clone (as there is much precedent for), who will eventually be tracked down by the original Lobo and either killed or reabsorbed, then they'll likely pretend he never existed.

Gmork
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE THEY DONE TO LOBO?!

Gmork
Oh.

memedumpster
This is seriously worse than when Tank Girl got pregnant.*


*what, you don't think it's sexist that every female hero ends up pregnant? Tank Girl, Xena, Lana Kane, Sarah Connor, Gwen Cooper, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Amy Pond, Lori from the Walking Dead, etc.

memedumpster
According to this she may not have created the new look:
http://comicsalliance.com/lobo-new-52-marguerite-bennet-dc-com ics-new-52/

"I wrote my script, and after it was completed, I was shown what the new character would look like."

It did seem pretty cynical that "attract female readers" was translated into "Old Navy model." That's kind of sad if another person's character design made people not like the story.

EvilHomer
In my fanfiction universe, Real Lobo got Tank Girl pregnant.

Also, that sounds like complete bullshit, Bort, excuse my French. Real Lobo can't die, as he can regenerate from any injury (including complete gibification), and neither Heaven nor Hell will accept his spirit. It's possible that Nubo fought Evil Erudite Lobo, or maybe Nubo is himself a clone of Evil Erudite Lobo, but whatever writer was behind this Nubo reboot clearly had no idea what he was doing.

Meme - yes, of course it is sexist. Comic book writers should strive for sexual equality, and therefore, they must make storylines in which male heroes become pregnant.

Bort
Quasar was getting pregnant 25 years ago:

http://static3.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_medium/3/35265/1316 883-31449_4242_35010_1_quasar_super.jpg

As for Lobo, I'm not quite sure where his power level is these days, but I'm pretty sure they did away with that "every drop of blood becomes a clone" thing years ago because of all the headaches. It's possible that Twat Lobo (I refuse to call him anything as dignified as "Nubo") is a defective clone, but I prefer to think he's a Czarnian who escaped the planet's destruction somehow, heard that Lobo was out of the picture, and decided to take his place. That sets up a potentially satisfying reckoning.

I think Twat Lobo's comic also gave us a look at Czarnia, and it involved princesses, political intrigue, and that sort of thing. Such an unimaginative waste. I would do Lobo's origin thusly:

Panel 1: a scene of everyday life on Czarnia, with Lobo lookalikes all dressed as cavemen and brutalizing each other like from an old timey cartoon. (I see their world as comically small, like maybe a half mile across.)

Panel 2: a beat-up old riderless space motorcycle crashes in front of one of these Czarnians.

Panel 3: Czarnian sits on the cycle, and says "Cool!"

Panel 4-5: Czarnian pushes a button, the cycle takes off, and the Czarnian says "Cool!!"

Panel 6-7-8: Czarnian pushes another button, the cycle launches a rocket that blows up Czarnia. Close-up on the Czarnian's face, he's got a slightly cruel smile as he says, "Cool."

memedumpster
It almost seems like they want you to think of this new Lobo as a hero, as opposed to the most hilariously calamitously terrible person possible. Lobo makes you feel bad for bureaucrats, truck drivers, biker gangs, mercenaries, and deviants by being penultimately worse than all of those combined. His look reflects that. No one running across Lobo in real life would approach him, for naturally selective reasons.

Which is wildly inappropriate as a role model.

He also gives off a serious cheap assassin's creed of war knockoff recolored npc model vibe.

EvilHomer
Oh god, this is horrible... :(

I tried to give this new Lobo thing the benefit of the doubt, right? You guys heard me... ? But, here I'm digging through the reviews, listening to the fan reactions, and even reading some pages of it now. It... it really is terrible. You're right Bort; it's like the creator took everything that made Lobo such an interesting character and threw it right out the window. Lobo was awesome, not because he was "cool" or "violent" or "gritty", but because he was a spot-on, subversive parody of violent superheroes. (the coolness and the violence helped, tho) THIS Lobo, though, he's not funny! He's not clever! He's just a boring, angsty jerk...! I mean, forgive my French again, but it is amazing how they've found a way to make this new Lobo both more of a pussy AND more an edgelord, simultaneously.

Apparently the title got cancelled pretty quickly, but jeeze. I'd like to see your reboot, Mr Bort.

EvilHomer
Also, re: the cloning. He lost it after Vril Dox poisoned him, in order to turn Lobo into a more tractable member of LEGION (this plan didn't work). Lobo later regained his cloning powers after being age regressed by Klarion the Witch Boy, but I think the writers stopped caring about it shortly thereafter.

Bort
The writer of Twat Lobo was a guy named Cullen Bunn, and all the characters he wrote were pretty much the same thing: nearly remorseless types whose shows of power had more to do with ruthless efficiency than wanton violence. Twat Lobo, Sinestro, Magneto, they were pretty much interchangea-blow.

Cullen Bunn also wrote "Aquaman" and pretty much ruined the title. Let that sink in, the guy took a successful "Aquaman" series and made Aquaman suck. Doesn't help that his run also debuted the Wonder Boner costume:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WuQpxrC0S5c/VWSQCjs1YTI/AAAAAAAACqc/ rdWOnIU7LXk/s640/f3f2fs.jpg

baleen
Who says a superhero can't have a career AND be a good mother?

Nikon
http://www.flickeringmyth.com/2016/03/batman-v-superman-dawn-of-ju stice-currently-has-a-worse-rotten-tomatoes-score-than-the-room.ht ml/
Monkey Napoleon
What makes this frustrating yet not surprising is that DC pumps out a metric fuckload of animated features, and the thing that happened to this movie happens in a lot of them as well.

They adapt a popular story from the comics, cutting out a lot of what made it good, and then start cramming in glaringly unrelated aspects of different stories to plug the holes.

What comes out is a fucking mess that doesn't make any sense.
Xenocide
ACTUAL THINGS THAT REALLY HAPPEN IN THIS MOVIE:

-Every third scene contains a new violent metaphor for a real-life terror attack. Benghazi, 9/11...all your favorites are here! The metaphor does not go anywhere, other than to remind you that DC movies are SERIOUS.

-It takes two goddamn hours before they actually fight each other. This time is spent on subplots that go nowhere starring characters you don't care about. WILL LOIS LANE GET THE BIG STORY?

-Superman and Batman only fight for like six minutes.

-And it's boring because Superman is a total jobber here. Even with all of Batman's convoluted plans and preparations, Supes should be able to fly out of his range and blast him with eye lasers or something, but instead all they do is punch each other. Superman has fifty different powers and refuses to use any of them.

-But then they stop fighting and become best pals because they realize both their mothers are named Martha.

-No seriously, that's the payoff to the entire movie. You're welcome!

-Also Superman dies.

-Batman, who spends the entire movie going "People with superpowers are rat-fucking garbage lumps," responds to this by going "Let's invent the Justice League because people with superpowers are great and deserve a private club."

-At the end Superman basically comes back to life (it hasn't even been 15 minutes) in an ending ripped off from the last scene of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Because if you're going to copy, copy from the best.
memedumpster
Don't be sad, Ben, you're still my favorite Superman in the only good Superman movie post Superman 2.
Bort
Heh, forgot all about that one.

George Reeves was the best live action Superman as far as I'm concerned, and far and away the best Clark Kent.

Hey I bumped into this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjUzhHiycjY

"Mysteries & Scandals" used to be my Saturday morning cartoons. Bort ... ain't he a bitch.

Two Jar Slave
C'mon now, Returns was pretty good.

memedumpster
Until Superman got pregnant!

The opening scene in that movie had me excited though.

chumbucket
This sucks hard since I actually enjoyed Man Of Steel and was looking forward to Snyder's approach to what was basically Frank Miller's work. Why oh why can't they get this shit right?

I go back to recalling wanting to see, instead, a Brian Dennehy play Miller's Batman opposite a Tim Curry Joker and a John Hamm Superman produced/directed by Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller.
gmol
I had my money on this being a blurry averaged mess of direction from a bunch of people whose only job is to try and matter. Doomsdayangelo was the tell.
Gmork
I can't wait for RedLetterMedia to tell me what I should think about this movie!
EvilHomer
You need RedLetterMedia to tell you what you think about this movie?

blue vein steel
Were people actually expecting Zack Snyder to make a good movie?
Caminante Nocturno
It's times like this that I'm reminded that choosing anime was the right choice.
EvilHomer
Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

RedRust
I believe there is a batman anime, saw some clips on youtube of it. Pretty graphic.

Nikon
It always was. It always will be.

Gmork
Nothing screams quality like high pitched squeaking one-dimensional characters and impervious protagonists.

TheOtherCapnS
The bad reviews almost have me interested enough to want to see this in the theaters. I can really appreciate Great Film thanks to some snob friends in my life, but I also like mindless popcorn movies in a completely different and unabashed sense, and I've certainly enjoyed some of Snyder's work in that genre (the only one in which he belongs), so I kinda want to know what could possibly have all the critics so upset about this film...

That said, Affleck (who I think is a talented actor and director) checking out during an interview during an international press junket when the guy starts going negative is pretty weak grounds for a meme. The Jezebel article with the same theme is just pathetic (not surprising for a Gawker site) and a shameless but failed (again) attempt to jump on the critical dog pile. He doesn't even look remotely sad in most of them.

So he doesn't want to rush to defend a paragon of mediocrity like Zack Snyder; that means he's depressed about his multi-million dollar payday? Not to mention that he's generally being praised as the best thing about this movie, and it's apparently crushing at the box office. Something tells me that after he finished polishing his Oscars and fingering Jennifer Ganer's asshole, he'll sleep just fine tonight...
Kabbage
Pretty much!

takewithfood
Is there a part to this where they remind him how well the new Daredevil series is doing?
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