I can't be joggin', flippin' tapes, drinkin' muh Sip, and fallin' inta ditches.

The similarity is uncanny. That said,

"I AINT WON JAK A LOT FROM THE SQUATTERY THLE LOTTERYS SHOULD BE THE JACK SQUATTERY CAUSE I AYNT JACK SQUATTING A LOT WHY THEY SHOULD RENAME THE LOTTERY TO THE JACK SQUATTERY CAUSE THAT'S ALL I EVER WIN IN IT!!!!!"

I think, Early, I am most impressed by the care you've taken in urinating on my laptop.

Her fall created the crack.

It's hard to tell from this angle but she is actually stuck in her own ass.

baleen, I'm going to have a seizure if you don't stop.

That's no moon.

...also the description:

"lol fat chubby person cant get put of ditch very funny to watch she really wants attention WOW 100,000 views thx guys keep rating and subscribin"

What do you mean, I'm not helping?

I mean you're not trying. You're just watching it...

Eventually she'll just grow into the shape of the hole

A fat woman? What's that?

You know a turtle?

Yeah.

Same thing.

*****

Perhaps if I really were fat I'd learn to be proud, jolly even. My skin would become thicker. Then it wouldn't matter if I couldn't get out of a ditch. I'd still have my dignity.

Drunk fat people are like that. Fat merry alcoholics are awesome.

That inability to cope with simple stressors is how they got so fat in the first place. I say grab a shovel and cover her up while she's "seizing."

She's hyperventilating. If her circulatory and respiratory systems were stronger, it wouldn't be necessary.

She's been unable to get exercise beyond the occasional feeble protest of her position, and so has swollen to fill the entire hole.

Her clothes have disintegrated, torn by both her expansion and the chafing against the earthen walls of her prison. Her buried flanks are host to burrowing insects which have taken up residence in the layers of fat. Several generations of parasitic wasps have switched hosts from caterpillars to her, and scientists have expressed jubilance at being able to watch behavioral evolution in action.

In attempt to preserve some modicum of dignity, those closest to her have covered up her limp rolls with a cheap blanket, buncing it tightly around her puffy neck in a manner that makes her resemble a head on platter.

To protect her from the elements, they have constructed a gazebo over her. Now they can sit in a circle, sipping mint tea and discussing the weather as the morbidly obese woman beneath makes irate vocalizations.

Perhaps more disturbingly, lipid samples taken from the soil in a Washington State park have identical DNA to samples taken from this ditch.

The implication being, of course, that they are both pieces of the same organism, a vast subterranean carpet spanning the country, absorbing decaying plant and animal matter as it spreads.

...from inside the ditch.

God damnit Teener, you owe me a new monitor.

backhoe ditchbitch is now the name of my band.