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Comment count is 64
Mike Tyson?! - 2013-03-13

My home town, ladies and gentlemen.

Cena_mark - 2013-03-13

Talk about a real Mickey Mouse town.

Cena_mark - 2013-03-13

He claims to have shot the vehicle to mark it for police... Because vehicle description and licence numbers aren't enough.

animegurl1000 - 2013-03-13

Apparently he marked three other cars as well. He must be quite the marksman.

chumbucket - 2013-03-13

Stars for use of the word "marksman"

animegurl1000 - 2013-03-13

Oh my God. I just now noticed the pun and that honestly wasn't intentional at all.

SteamPoweredKleenex - 2013-03-13

So what he's saying is that he did something that could have been accomplished with a paintball gun.

I don't want him having a paintball gun, either.

SolRo - 2013-03-13

Err, yeah, if he uses a lethal weapon in that way, I'm sure with a paintball gun he would have shot the guy in the face until he ran out of ammo, you know, to mark him.

simon666 - 2013-03-13

Working class folk just protecting the property rights of a company with a 250 billion dollar market cap. 5 for depressing.

animegurl1000 - 2013-03-13

Corporations are people too, don't you know. He was defending the safety and well-being of that poor, defenseless corporation.

Grandmaster Funk - 2013-03-13

Seriously dystopian. And they buy the action movies fueling these fantasies at Walmart. (Because Pluggers don't understand bittorrent).

Cena_mark - 2013-03-13

I'll bet he bought the ammunition from them too.

themilkshark - 2013-03-14

If I ever have kids or adopt, I'll teach my young that Walmart shoppers are strange and cult-like individuals who should be avoided.

SolRo - 2013-03-13

Crazy gun freak gets charged with a crime? Needs "not The Onion" tag

The Mothership - 2013-03-13

Ass could have killed people.

James Woods - 2013-03-13

A real human being and a real hero.

poopy - 2013-03-14

***** all the way

Syd Midnight - 2013-03-15

He saw a possible opportunity to kill someone, and took it. Maybe it didn't go exactly the way it always has in his fantasies but still, he doesn't have to go through life having never tried to kill someone!

RocketBlender - 2013-03-13

Everything else aside, if he actually did knock over a woman in a wheelchair (I'm assuming she had it before all this happened, otherwise she's just hamming it up), he's lucky he just got a retail theft charge, and not assault or something as well.

TheOtherCapnS - 2013-03-13

That isn't the kind of wheelchair in which a wheelchair-bound person would most likely be. Treated at the scene probably means they examined her and then put her in a wheelchair to be on the safe side (i.e. because of how fucked the medical system (in this case especially the medical malpractice system) in this country is)

TheOtherCapnS - 2013-03-13

That said, I'm sure even the most pro-gun people around join me in the sentiment that I hope they throw the book at this cunt.

chumbucket - 2013-03-13

True but in the same breath they will remind wveryone that it wasnt the gun that did anything wrong here.

Maru - 2013-03-13

The guy lies about the shoplifter being armed, and probably has embellished other aspects of the story too. That they carried away a 42 year old man reduced to shoplifting in handcuffs, but let the guy spraying lead like a maniac hang out to do a TV interview is really something. Try to explain to these meatballs that they have more in common with the shoplifter than Walmart, and they'll shoot you too probably. This reaches Robocop TV parody levels with his gold-digging cunt wife sitting in a wheelchair she obviously doesn't belong in, and bawling like a 2 year old over a hard push.

Maru - 2013-03-13

didn't mean to respond to anyone, but whatever.

cognitivedissonance - 2013-03-13

Avoiding wheelchair users in Wal-Mart is like avoiding lava in a volcano.

SolRo - 2013-03-13

Pretty sure the guy giving the interview was the sidekick to Super Gun Man. His wife is the one that got pushed down, I think. Seeing this, Super Gun Man sprang into action! No one shoplifts and runs into someone without facing Hot Lead Justice!

RocketBlender - 2013-03-13

The guy they didn't an interview with chased after the shoplifter, but he wasn't the one with the gun. There were three people involved, and the guy and his wife who probably are hamming it up are more witnesses than anything else.

I'm very willing to believe she doesn't need that wheelchair though, considering her pathetic fake sobs for the camera.

Mother_Puncher - 2013-03-13

Clearly having everyone armed to the teeth and paranoid won't have any drawbacks. I mean everyone is just going to protect themselves and not going to abuse the privilege or try to be a hero or anything.

John Holmes Motherfucker - 2013-03-13

Wait, the guy who fired his gun in the parking lot is facing worse charges than the shoplifter?

Thanks, Obama!

misterbuns - 2013-03-13

yeah i guess it turns out laws that relate to the protection of human life are more incisive than ones relating to shoplifting.

Adham Nu'man - 2013-03-13

He stole 3 DvDs of the Princess Diaries and all he got was a fine.

I shot a gun in a crowded urban area hitting a bunch of vehicles and shit and now I'm facing serious charges.


John Holmes Motherfucker - 2013-03-13

Did you guys think I was serious, or that my joke was too obscure and cerebral, and needed to be explained?

SteamPoweredKleenex - 2013-03-13

They may have misread your login name as "Gmork."

Adham Nu'man - 2013-03-13

No, I know you're doing the Jenna Marbles skit, are we not allowed to riff on the general theme or something?

memedumpster - 2013-03-13

It's because three quarters of poeTV users are neocon gun nuts who pretend to be human until provoked. It's like the Internet version of the Thing.

Some days I come on here thinking I'm Mitt Romney.

Old_Zircon - 2013-03-13

Why do you think you're me?

themilkshark - 2013-03-14

wait guys I was joking

Sanest Man Alive - 2013-08-29

No really, thank you, Obama. Fuck vigilantes with their own semi-auto dick-proxies.

Binro the Heretic - 2013-03-13

He's only being charged with shoplifting?


And they had the unmitigated GALL to charge the brave citizen who tried to administer justice?


James Woods - 2013-03-13

I laughed SO HARD when she started crying.

joelkazoo - 2013-03-13

Me, too.

Father Avalanche - 2013-03-13

Me three.

freedoom - 2013-03-13

Carrying a gun requires a certain level of responsibility that this gentlemen clearly doesn't have. Take a CCW class at a local gun store if you are planning on carrying. Before you draw your gun you have to answer two questions, "is my life in danger?" and "is someone else's life in danger?" If the answer is no, you leave your gun in the holster.

Father Avalanche - 2013-03-13

Guys like this, and I'm willing to risk saying the majority of concealed carriers don't even think in those terms. They sit in traffic, and fantasize about playing hero in increasingly complex scenarios where they make-believe what they would do at the Aurora Theater or Virginia Tech. They are cowboys looking to shoot an Indian. You can almost imagine exactly how this asshole felt as he saw his chance, and then realized that 'holy shit it's a whole lot different in real life'. And then lying in his bed later thinking, "Oh I shoulda done that! Why didn't I do that? Next time I won't make that mistake. ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaselettherebe a next time."

memedumpster - 2013-03-13

Every human I know offline owns a gun and not a one of them would I want standing behind me with one in any kind of situation where one could arguably be used. I am constantly shocked at how they completely lack rules about how that weapon is moved through three dimensional space, since I was brought up with a ton of those rules.

memedumpster - 2013-03-13

Fuck, I worked on a movie set with FAKE guns and I wanted to punch the actors in the face every time the fucking morons pointed one at a person as a joke.

Kieran27 - 2013-03-13

I remember when they released that .50-Cal. Magnum revolver and an acquaintance told me that's the gun he'd want on his hip whenever he went out. He said with a gun like that, he could drop any thug no matter what drugs they were on. He had the most perplexed look when I asked him about all the people who might get hit when his bullets ripped right through his target, assuming he hit.

After convincing him that yes, bullets do go through people, he stated firmly nobody would be standing behind someone he was shooting at cause they'd see the gun and move. I don't live in the same town with him anymore, and I'm glad.

memedumpster - 2013-03-13

Reminds me of a "discussion" I had with someone about why they wanted to own a Glock, because other guns made them look mentally stable, which was a weakness.

I fucking hate this state.

Crackersmack - 2013-03-13

Glocks are the most practical and boring of firearms. They are the Volvo of guns.

Carrying almost anything other than a Glock or some kind of .380 is what makes you looks like a mentally unstable extremist or weirdo.

Syd Midnight - 2013-03-15

The only time in my life I've fired a gun, I went trap shooting and everyone was remarking on my excellent safety habits, because I treated it like it was loaded and always checked the chamber and kept the barrel pointed at the ground, sky, or pigeons. Like Eddie the Safety Eagle taught me in 4th grade.

Sometimes I wonder if they were calling me a wuss for following basic gun safety, but wouldn't say it straight out because like, I was a hobo with a shotgun.

spikestoyiu - 2013-03-13


Triggerbaby - 2013-03-13

Facing charges, apparently.

SteamPoweredKleenex - 2013-03-13

Ghost stars for the ironically named Triggerbaby.

memedumpster - 2013-03-13

Things Americans can't do responsibly :

Own things.
Have opinions.

SteamPoweredKleenex - 2013-03-13

Our love of giving the rich all the tax breaks means the first one isn't going to be around too long, and our diet and lifestyles are almost done with the third. Progress, my friends!

spikestoyiu - 2013-03-15

Don't forget EAT.

biohazzrd - 2013-03-13

This is obviously an opportunity to arm loss prevention officers? At least you can carry guns I had to take down a mad drunk bloke with a broken branston pickle jar with nothing but the underside of my Dr.Martens boots. Facestomp in Toys R Us! Blood and pickle in the aisles. Looked like someone had taken a glass-filled shit sideways.

SolRo - 2013-03-13

You don't have to murder someone even in that situation.

Pepper spray or a tazer are specifically made for situations like that. Unless you used them all up on old ladies that talked back to you and kids that called you a fat.

biohazzrd - 2013-03-13

Old people deserve it, ive been knocked off my bike 3 times this year on my way to work by blind old fucks. Its only march, if I wasnt a cycle mechanic id have to pay for the damage myself. Kids over here are pretty round these days chomping on their maccy D's. Asthmatic fucks

misterbuns - 2013-03-13


Mister Yuck - 2013-03-14

Yeah, most LP guys are basically bouncers that aren't cool enough to get jobs as bouncers.

biohazzrd - 2013-03-18

Never have held a SCI licence or whatever it is, i got called to the aisle because the fucker had assulted a female worker, then stabbed my supervisor. i wasnt going to allow the irish dick to just walk out before the filth arrived. got a massive bollocking from my gf who was on customer services. im not a bouncer im just a cycle mechanic

Bort - 2013-03-13

I'd charge this guy with attempted voluntary manslaughter.


But even then, only if the shoplifter actually tried to run him over. If that's not really the case, then straight-up attempted murder.

Hekmatyar - 2013-07-11

This is why I have always supported open carry nationwide. Martinez is a hero.

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