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Comment count is 32
TheOtherCapnS - 2013-10-24

Okay, what I don't get is why all these guys want to have sex with the ponies when they could have sex with the giant horned-winged horses.

EvilHomer - 2013-10-24

I believe you are referring to the alicorns. My research has indicated two mane problems with alicorns, within the context of the clopping community.

First, we must consider the numbers. I can count on my hooves the number of fully-grown alicorns present in My Little Pony. (I have four hooves, and there are three adult alicorns - Celestia, Luna, and Cadence. Four if you include Mother Mare) Giant horned-wings horses are statistically uncommon, so one would expect that giant horned-winged horse fetishists are also statistically uncommon.

The second problem lies in pony physiology. Ponies like Princess Celestia look VERY MUCH like horses. This can be quite disconcerting to some fans, as sexualizing a mature cartoon horse-pony like that is veering close to outright beastiality. Most Equestrian ponies have very soft, round, distinctly un-horselike features. They are a neotenous species, with the big doe eyes and stumpy baby legs that Western cuteness-scientists of the early 20th century identified with the Hyper-Cute. Equestrian ponies are more like puppies than true horses, even down to their body movements and behavioral mannerisms. This, I theorize, adds a critical layer of abstraction between cartoon ponies and the horses of the real world, an abstraction which allows the clopper to break down his inhibitions and embrace his desires.

I do not have any direct statistical evidence to support this hypothesis, as the State of the Herd Report does not yet contain information on rates of self-reported zoophilia within the brony community. However, as less than 18% of bronies are self-described furries, the majority of cloppers seem to be recruited out of the ranks of anime-girl fans rather than weird dog-fuckers, and, despite having more than three years of growth under it's belt, there's never been a single reported instance of nerd-on-horse zoophilia connected to the brony community (you know the media would have a field day with something like that!) I say my theory is the best we've got.

garcet71283 - 2013-10-24

Cause, ya know, when i think i want to rape an underage horse beastiality alarms go off in my head but im perfectly cool with german shepherd puppies.

Oscar Wildcat - 2013-10-24

You know Homie, every time you share these remarkable pieces with us, I am put to mind of a story and video clip about a farm in the Pacific Northwest. This guy got it in his head that he wanted to be mounted by a stallion, and with sufficient money and Will did get himself into a barn somewhere with a few compatriots to help complete the deed. They got the stallion ready, the guy bends over, and they lead the horse in. It doesn't take long for the horse to get the idea; he rushes in like an NFL linebacker and rams his baseball bat sized horse cock directly into this fellows unwittingly puckered anus. The video clip has audio, and that Sound will haunt me to my dying day, Homie. I thought it might make a great ringtone, but sadly the clip ( presented by the prestigious journal, Editor And Publisher ) no longer seems available? Anywhere, there is your mission, soldier. Find that clip! It needs a home here.

Oscar Wildcat - 2013-10-24

Oh yes. What happened? Needless to say, they took him to the ER, but the guy just bleed out from the internal injuries. No word from the horse, the unfeeling cad.

EvilHomer - 2013-10-24

Yeah, that's Mr Hands! I could never stomach it (it's on the short-list of "Shit I Won't Watch", right alongside the various Afghani decapitation clips and everything done by Luka Magnotta) but a friend of mine watched it, and said it was really funny. You can still find the clip pretty easily by searching for "Mr Hands".

(now that you mention it, audio clips from Mr Hands WOULD be pretty handy for my upcoming multimedia project, Equus! The Musical - a lighthearted musical version of Equus starring the ponies from MLP and an emotionally-unbalanced brony whose clop-fetish drives him to commit unspeakable acts of violence)

And garcet, yeah, OK, when you put it like THAT, it does sound a bit weird. But I stand by my theory; the scientifically formulated cuteness and un-hoselike qualities of your typical cartoon pony override the typical clopper's cultural inhibitions against jerking to horses. And let's face it, real horses are fucking scary-ass creatures (they are one of only two animals I am absolutely terrified of) so there's that to consider, too.

Also, I'd just like to point out that none of the Mane Six are "underage". To date, neither primary nor secondary canon has established an exact age for any of the Mane Six, but having studied the matter at some length, I can say with confidence that the ponies are all twenty-somethings. All of the ponies are fully responsible adults who live independently (with a possible exception in Pinkie Pie, but I won't get into that now, as it'd take far too long) What's more, five of the six have already entered the workforce - AJ as a farmer, Rarity as a fashion designer, Pinkei Pie as a Michael Alig-style party planner, Rainbow as a HAARP perp, and Fluttershy as a professional animal hoarder. Only one pony is still in school - Twilight Sparkle - and she is quite clearly a grad student, possibly even a doctoral candidate (or whatever equivalent degree magic unicorns get in the Equestrian academic world).

Now, there are THREE slight niggles in all this. I'm sure some of you are just dying to call me on them, so I shall address them now and get it over with: the first problem is their apparent age in Equestria Girls. The human-ponies in this film are quite clearly highschool jailbait, so, technically, yes, the Equestria Girls are underage. However, the human versions of the Mane Five have only a tenuous connection to the pony Mane Five, and it would be a mistake to infer too much about the ponies from their human counterparts. I guess this brings us to an interesting dilemma: is it more fucked up to clop to of-age ponies, or to fap to underage humans? What does our choice say about us? I do not have an answer for that question at this time.

The second issue, which is easily dismissed, relates to the ponies' aforementioned neotenous physiology. At first glance, one might expect a "grown" pony to lose her cute, childlike traits and become more like a fully adult horse. However, this is not the case at all; Cheerilee, Mister and Mrs Cake, even Granny Smith, all display a remarkable degree of paedomorphosis, despite their obvious age. The ONLY ponies who become horse-like are pony royalty and, to lesser degree, pony alpha males, and this horse-ness does not seem to be dependent upon age... at least not from the time of adolescence (it is possible that certain horse-ponies were more pony-like back when they were still blank flanks; evidence has not been forthcoming, but one hopes that this matter will be cleared up once and for all in Season Four, as we observe what happens to Twilight's physiology now that she is a full-fledged alicorn princess)

The third issue, which I will admit MAY have some validity, is related to Equestria's social order and technological development. In our real-world modern society, human beings experience a "long childhood" - we do not "mature" to the point of independence until we're in our late teens and early twenties (some of us never do). However, this long childhood is a relatively new phenomenon, brought about within the last couple hundred years or so, and is mainly the result of industrial child labor laws and the growth of compulsory secondary education.

Now, pony society is still largely pre-industrial and agrarian. It is ruled as feudal-theocratic kingdom, with certain concessions to democratic rule on a local level, and, while there are (presumably state-funded) schools for adolescent fillies and colts, Equestria does not appear to have embraced either child labor regulations (Applebloom, Sweetie Belle) or the concept of "high school" (Twilight has no idea what this is). So, it's *possible* that the Mane Six are, in fact, teenage jailbait, albeit the sort of medieval jailbait that was, comparatively speaking, already well into middle age.

However, I don't believe this is the case, and I cite as evidence the Mane Six's pony libidos, or rather, their lack thereof. Contrary to what the clop community seems to believe, none of the Mane Six are particularly sexual or hormonal. (here I would like to refer you all to the video entitled "Romantic Love (or the lack of) in MLP", by Youtube pegasister, Clover Keen) If the Mane Six were teenagers, fresh from the jaws of puberty, we'd except to see a lot more drama, cattiness, boy-chasing, etc etc. Instead, none of the ponies seem to be much bothered by their biological need to get fucked raw. Rainbow and Fluttershy are, of course, lesbians together (this is canon. I will fight you if you say otherwise) but by and large, they come off as early-to-mid twenty-somethings whose hormones are leveling off. So, NOT underage horses!

Of course, you might have been referring to CMC fillycon fans, and if that's the case, yeah, the CMC are totally underage.

EvilHomer - 2013-10-24

Oops. Forgot my stars.

Meerkat - 2013-10-24

Now then now then what's all this then

TheOtherCapnS - 2013-10-25

This? Oh it's just precisely what I was hoping/expecting would happen.

ashtar. - 2013-10-25

This is why I vote up pony videos.

SteamPoweredKleenex - 2013-10-24

I suppose it's time that the younger MLP fans learned what the really dark end of crass commercialism looked like.

I don't even watch the series, and this thing has "we wanna sell Bratz dolls" written all over it.

Racketeer - 2013-10-24

It's more Monster High than Bratz these days.

Xenocide - 2013-10-24

Thankfully there is very little fashion in this movie. But from the looks of things there is plenty of anorexia.

SPOILER: At the end Twilight becomes the magical prom queen or whatever the fuck her mission was, but then Sunset Shimmer steals the magic crown and turns into Satan. They defeat her but in the process they blow up the high school, like on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but with slightly less sex.

The best part of the movie is from 00:40-00:55. It teaches girls to recognize and then ignore a cry for help.

In summation, this movie was fucking stupid. Watch it twice.

Nikon - 2013-10-24

How about no

Deplorable - 2013-10-24

Should've had a smooze cameo from the first MLP movie; everything is killed and buried in purple slime, and then the movie ends.

Scrimmjob - 2013-10-24

how did you mean and nasty fuckers sneak this one through?

Oscar Wildcat - 2013-10-24

Were you wearing the Patek Phillipe when typing that?

Scrimmjob - 2013-10-25

I actually felt the Rolex Submariner was more appropriate.

TeenerTot - 2013-10-24

This is a real thing?
I thought Equestria Girls was a fan invention to make cosplay easier!
5 for evil I guess.

jaunch - 2013-10-24

This whole time I thought the horse with rainbow hair was a boy.

Caminante Nocturno - 2013-10-24


EvilHomer - 2013-10-24


Caminante Nocturno - 2013-10-24

I like to think that someone at Hasbro got sick of people comparing Twilight Sparkle to Stocking from Panty & Stocking, and that eventually snowballed into this.

Kabbage - 2013-10-24

0:28:39 I ran into this exact situation a half-dozen times when my company got bought out and my job became training old teachers on how to use an eLearning program.

themilkshark - 2013-10-24



jreid - 2013-10-25


deadpan - 2013-10-25


Gmork - 2013-10-25

if this was posted because evil, then it would have gotten five evil stars

we all know this was posted because equine sex

candyheadrobot - 2013-10-25

I didn't get to watch it :( oh well, these comments are magical enough.

Nikon - 2013-10-25

Like the original cartoon, don't want to see it turn into a show about high school.

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2013-10-25

5 stars because I'm pretty sure this will become a religion one day.

I tapped out at the first song. I mean, am I the only one who thinks the human versions of them are just plain fucking scary? Their eyes are like Grey Roswell Aliens. Gah.

Shoebox Joe - 2013-10-26

The Rainbows will look down upon the Flutters and the Diamonds will show disdain and contempt for the Apples and the Balloons will annoy the Sparkles.

It is said in through out the stories of Equestria. Those who do not believe have not given time to tell these tales.

And before we end with our cheer, please feel free to speak your mind as we disperse.


I wish this wasn't for four year olds!

Is Lauren Faust gonna make a Scootaloo episode?


I'm so mad I'm gonna go cupcakes!

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