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Comment count is 23
chairsforcheap - 2015-09-24

this is actually a pretty tough issue... i'm totally 'dicted to both of the drugs and weed really helps me drink and not be hung over. I'm a shit head and should probably rightfully die, but yeah... weed isn't that bad but it sure kills motivation, and that can even be motivation to live

TheSupafly - 2015-09-24

I'm addicted to marijuana like I'm addicted to masturbating- it really depends on how busy I am to how often I do it. But yeah, getting busy is rough when you are high all the time.

Aelric - 2015-09-24

I kinda like this guy. He is just a local news guy?

That guy - 2015-09-25

Yeah, seriously. What is happening. Local network news with a dry and rational reasoning segment? Rand coming off as if *he's* reasonable??

Is it Backwards day!?

Cena_mark - 2015-09-24

Funny how Rand Paul comes off as the rational one here. I'm surprised that he brought up the excessive punishments dealt to minorities.

Cena_mark - 2015-09-24

As far as Carly is concerned, it seems her knowledge of weed are the same myths they've been teaching kids in the 90s. She should say to this smarmy news reported, "But pot was a gateway to the drugs that killed her. Check mate!"

Aelric - 2015-09-24

All she cares about is using her dead kid as a talking point to leverage votes.

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2015-10-02

He's actually been fairly confrontational on the issue and very outspoken about the disproportionate number of black and Hispanic men in prison for drug crimes. He wants to legalize and has for years. It's one of the only things I really support him on and I enjoy watching the shitstorm around him when he does go for it.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2015-09-25

I was an alcoholic for a while, and at a certain point said "Enough's enough. Stop making excuses and quit." So I did. Cold turkey. And for a few days, I felt simultaneously great and shitty. And on the fourth day, I had a seizure walking to class. I literally collapsed on top of the ambulance ramp at Ronald Reagan emergency center.

A few months later, I relapsed, but only for a short period. I got a new car, started driving for Uber (which is fun and profitable in LA). Again, I quit, this time by tapering down slowly (and to be absolutely clear, I never, ever drank and drove. The job was great for my sobriety, but I usually still drank after work.) Then one night, I had another seizure while driving and rear-ended another car. Another three-day hospital stay.

Now that I've graduated from UCLA, I no longer have medical insurance and am terrified of what will happen if I ever relapse again. I cannot fathom paying for a hospital stay out of pocket.

This whole "alcohol is an extremely dangerous drug" argument is not fucking academic. It's not just something you say as a bullet point in an argument. My life hasn't been destroyed; I still graduated from a prestigious university and know enough millionaires and billionaires to start my own company in a few months, but I can't express in words how much I hate alcoholism for how far it's held me back.

Aelric - 2015-09-25

Yo, Duck Cop, give me a job.

That guy - 2015-09-25

Yo, Duck Cop, do any of your filthy rich friends want to throw their money away on a first time director? Short of that, can I borrow like 0,000.00 from one of them? I swear I'll pay it back.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2015-09-25

I literally applied for a job as a "Sandwich Master" at Jimmy John's today, so I'll let ya'll know how that turns out.

So this one time a friend was sitting in on a shareholder's meeting at Berkshire-Hathaway and said "Hey, Warren Buffet's here. You want me to say hi for you?"

"Yes. Yes I do."

"......well, he's busy right now."

This same friend recently went on vacation to the most expensive part of Hawaii and just "ran into" Bill Gates there. I asked him what they talked about. He said "volcanoes." I said "Okay then."

Aelric - 2015-09-25

Man, Duck Cop is holding out! Cops that are desirable ducks are all the same.

Old_Zircon - 2015-09-26

That's cool and all, but I know Dick Wolf's ex girlfriend.

Sanest Man Alive - 2015-09-26

OZ is it true that he raped her to sleep every night?

That guy - 2015-09-26

OK then how about 0,000.00?

Sexy Duck Cop - 2015-09-26

That Guy:

So a couple months ago I was helping shoot a pilot I co-wrote with some friends, and this famous actress--I won't say who, but you've definitely seen her unless you've been living under the proverbial rock--was helping out. Not to act. She was literally serving as a Production Assistant just because she's so fucking nice. She moved furniture, ran cable, took sandwich orders, and basically did everything except act. And on the last day of shooting, she flopped on my couch, laughed at all my jokes, ate a ton of cookies, and told me to fuck off for ruining her career by introducing her to so many delicious cookies.

Hollywood is awesome.

That guy - 2015-09-27

It can be at given moments like that, yeah. Don't worry, you'll have a new story about some shitty person in front or behind the camera soon.

0K even?

That guy - 2015-09-27

Anyway, good luck to you with that project, SDC.

Jack Dalton - 2015-10-01

Can we live vicariously through the peaks and valleys of your life in this thread, Sexy Duck Cop? More stories!

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2015-10-02

These stories are great.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2015-10-03

Last night a relative of one of the wealthiest men on the planet (again, a person you've heard of) was in town and invited me to his elite country club as a guest. I ordered amazing, free food--arguably the best I've ever had--and then we sat in the sauna while he regaled me with horrifying stories of growing up rich. Like, genuinely tragic stories about the limitations of wealth and the way it affects the way you perceive yourself growing up.

I know this sounds sarcastic, but I'm a guy frantically trying to get my maxed-out credit card unfrozen so he can make rent that was due three days ago, and I felt genuinely sorry for him.

When I first met this guy, he had just returned from Israel. He had to pose as an undercover Jew to get a discount on his trip. Now he's going on the Hajj in a few days, where he will pose as a Muslim to get a discount on his trip. I warned him the latter will be more difficult than the former.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2015-10-03

I ran into an old friend from high school at the House Blues on Sunset on account of another friend playing there. It turned out my friend has a successful, upbeat, emotionally gratifying career as a TV producer for a major network, and was working on a project with Judd Apatow but needed a writer.

"Hey!" a mutual friend said. "Sexy Duck Cop is the best writer I know!"

The producer shrugged. "Well, just bang out a spec and I'll send it to Judd."

Yes. I could've written for Judd Fucking Apatow.

About three years later, my first girlfriend and I reconnected over Facebook after years of silence and developed a really fun (platonic) friendship. She got into a greencard wedding for some South Asian monarch (she wasn't clear who) that was paying her ,000 to marry. ("Don't worry," she assured me after calling at 3 in the goddamned morning. "The sex is great.") Her last relationship was with some Twitter asshole that was literally making six figured Tweeting the Emmys because god is an absentee landlord, and as such, she had a lot of connections in the comedy world.

"I know a few editors at The Onion," she said. "If you can do the house style, I could probably get you in."

As of October 3rd, 2015, I do not write for Judd Apatow or The Onion.

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