So where are the vampires?

so. many. brooding. stares

Just when you thought the annoying vampire meme had gone into early partial remission...

this shit is fun to laugh at, at least.

WHEN YOU CAN LIVE FOREVER

YOU THINK YOU'D HAVE TIME TO LEARN TO FUCKING ACT.

I SAW THIS MOVIE. A really good friend wanted to go and I admit I kind of wanted to go too; it kinda looked like it would be "so awful it's hilarious" territory.

It wasn't.

I do not know how to articulate how unbelievably terrible this movie was. Even setting aside the subject matter, plot, dialogue, etc: HOLY SHIT THIS IS BAD. Every movie I have ever seen is at least somehow more competent than this. The movie itself seems to have been made on meth, cutting and jumping so fast it makes "Law and Order" look like a nature documentary. Kristen Stewart also seems to be on meth; she blinks and squirms and sounds completely comatose even when she's swearing to love the guy forever and ever. The soundtrack is on meth. This movie is an ode to meth. This movie might actually be made of meth. Doing meth in every orifice would have been better than this movie.

Okay, I got sidetracked. So let's forget about special effects that would've been cringeworthy in high school, and a plot no one can follow even if you've read the books (I hadn't, but my friend had, and she couldn't explain half of what was going on). Here is the weird part: the main characters have no chemistry. This is a teen romance vampire novel and it's not sexy. It's not even interesting. I think this is the first movie I've ever seen where hormonal teenage leads playing star-crossed lovers have about as much romantic spark as immediate relations. They seriously do not seem to give a shit about each other. It is fucking surreal.

I know nobody is going to read this but I have to vent somewhere about how INSANELY FUCKING AWFUL THIS MOVIE WAS. I would give this five stars but have to subtract two for the hours of numbing depression that followed the movie. I saw "I Know Who Killed Me" and that piece of shit is a fucking masterpiece compared to this. RT reviews are not doing it justice---this is SO GODDAMN BAD YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW. The fact that this movie has not precipitated the Apocalypse is some kind of fucking miracle. I just. I can't. I I I.


I'm all better now.