FREE WHEN YOU ORDER: THE APPARENTLY DISAPPOINTING GIFT OF FLOWERS

Men, women actually LIKE the repetitive gift of flowers. Believe it or not.

Women, tell us what you actually want or we'll get you this. You have to actually tell us, not hide it in a one-sided conversation held three months prior to the event. And 2 weeks is absolute maximum notice, we'd prefer exactly 42 hours ahead of the Valentine's Day event.

New: One arm version for Fundies.

FLOWERS AGAIN? FUCK IM A JADED CUNT!!!

I think this product was denied on American Inventor or Shark Tank. Somehow the person made their dream come true.

Bill Murray says "Happy Valentine's day honey, I love you"

It wasn't until the recorded message part that I realized this wasn't a joke.

And it's a fetish in 3....2....1....zero!!!

I honestly can't wait for someone to strangle their lover to death with this thing.

You know it's going to happen.

Wood does not last forever! if it lasts for more than 4 hours you need to call a doctor!

Gifts from the lazy cheaters

And then they come to life all at once and start strangling the tens of people who've ordered this product.

I WAS going to text her a cell phone pic of my boner, but apparently THIS is the most intimate gift ever.

This makes songsmith look awesome.

I'd have to make the voice chip say something incredibly creepy. My first thought is whispering "I'm standing right behind you." Though I may go with the classic from John Oliver: "You're going to die alone in a dark room."

And when you get hugged by the white gloves with three little lines on them, you can pretend it's Mickey Mouse OR Goofy, instead of your idiot boyfriend who bought this dumbass thing for you.

Next up: dildogram.

Pretty sure this is the same background music (and inventor) as the treadmobile. Which, by the way, is definitely the worst product ever invented.

I am a multiple amputee veteran of the Gulf War, filled with self-loathing.

I am going to send this to my fucking ex-wide, with the recording: "ARE THESE MAN ENOUGH FOR YOU, WHORE?"

This would probably sound like an excellent idea if you were stoned.

WHAT

"Ha-hah! Yeah, that's uh... yeah, ok, that's, um, /funny/. OK, dear, now where's my real present? For the love of god, please don't say that was it."

if it doesn't vibrate it's a complete waste of money

I would like someone to send me a huge gram

+stars

I can imagine Chris Chan ordering a dozen of these and putting the Sonic one up sound on them, then wearing them all at once.

agent orange was probably worse