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Desc:Deleted scenes from Penn and Teller's Bullshit. Featuring Sarah Palin's repressed aunt.
Category:Humor, Advertisements
Tags:Penn and Teller, therapy, advice, porn addiction, sex is bad mmkay
Submitted:Pillager
Date:11/08/08
Views:3780
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Comment count is 50
SolRo
Dear porn,

You're so fucking hot, I want to do dirty things to you. I know you want me too, because you keep taking your clothes off for me every night. Call me.

Love,
Solro.
dichotic1
dear PORN

POE LOVES YOU COME BACK TO US DONT MAD I LEFT THE HOUSE AND TUCKED IN THE KIDS

Unmerciful Crushing Force
Dear Porn,

UGH UGH YEAH YEAAH TAKE IT YOU DIRTY SLUT. AWWWW YEAH THAT'S RIGHT JUST LIKE THAT. DON'T EVER STOP!!!

Love,
~U.C. Forche XOXO

SolRo
I'm happy to have started this mess

Caminante Nocturno
Dear porn,

How are you? I am fine. Grandpa's farm is lots of fun. Today we milked a cow and rode dune buggies. I wish you were here.

Love,
Caminante

PS: One of the horses up and died.
baleen

Dear Porn,


Winter is cold. It was sad to hear that auntie passed from consumption this September past. Things appear to be worsening in this part of Flanders. Many men have little to eat, and have taken to cooking their belts and shoelaces in the most criminal of nature's harsh acrimony.

Some have become feverish and cursed at God for their plight. The layers of tents stretch too far, Porn, too far for one doctor to tend. That young boy I told you of, the one I was so fond of who spoke of his mother so? He has contracted trench foot and we've had to amputate to the knee. Porn, I can't tell you what hell it is to hold a man down, as he screams for mercy, for the tenderness of his mother who cannot hear him, to hear the saw break into his bone.

I apologize if this correspondence is terse. The Hun is on the move.

Eternally yours,

Baleen
anvill
Deere porn,

I'm a big fan of your "EZtrak™ Series Residential Zero-Turn Mowers Take it up the Tailpipe" series, but am wondering when you will return to producing "40 Black Dicks for one 540G-III Cable Skidder."

Love,
Anvill
sosage
Dear porn,

My life has been hell ever since I was transferred into the general population. The people here are fucking crazy. I live every moment of my life here looking over my shoulder. You just can't imagine what these guys are capable of.

I received a letter informing me that my parole was denied. I can't take this shit anymore. I don't think I am going to make it. Perhaps it is best you forget I ever existed. I'll understand if you find another man.

Please, just pretend I am dead,

Sosage
wtf japan
Dear Porn,

A friend of mine always corrects me when i say the word "drapes." She says that is vulgar, and that the right word is "draperies." Which of us is correct?

Urgently,
wtf japan
TinManic
Dear Porn,

(illegible, smeared with dried semen)

sincerely,
TinManic
Udderdude
Dear Porn,

FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP

Flagrantly,
Udderdude
dichotic1
GODDAMNIT

that was what i was gogin to SAY


UnderANeonHalo
Dear Porn,

penispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenis.< br />
Breathlessly,
UnderANeonHalo
UnderANeonHalo
Wtf is up with the fucked up ? I think my penis broke the site.

UnderANeonHalo
Fucked up line break I meant to say but I'm an idiot and actually typed the HTML.

Babies Ate My Dingo
Dear Porn,

Thanks for the fond mammaries.

Buoyantly,
BAMDingo
Ursa_minor
Dear Porn,


I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a long time, I've just been super busy with work and trying to get my goddamned car paid off. I got your mix CD though, and I especially like the second to last track - I think it's Arovane or something - real nice. Are you coming back in April? Hopefully I can make it up there to see you. Dog Balls.

ursa_minor
thatonegirl
Dear Porn,

You never called me back after all the good times I thought we had together. By the way, my vibrator is missing and I know you took it. Bitch, I want it back.

Oh, and I would appreciate if you would stop telling all my future lovers how much I enjoy anal. They don't need to know that when they meet me.

Yours,

thatonegirl
Lauritz Melchior
July 14, 1861
Camp Clar, Washington

My very dear Porn:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days-- perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more...

I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause on which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing-- perfectly willing-- to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt - all of my joys except for you, Porn.

Porn, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard, hard is it for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grow up to the Honorable Reverend James Manhood. I have, I know, but few small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me--perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Mandingo, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Porn, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escaped me on the battle field, it will whisper your name. Forgive my many faults, and the pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been. How gladly would I wash out with my seed every little spot upon your happiness...

But, O Porn, if the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you: in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights... always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing [illegible], it shall be my spirit passing by. Porn do not mourn me dead, think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.
StanleyPain
Dear Porn,

Just writing to thank you for having been so absolutely pornographic when I encountered you.
I'll be dead soon..
Your faithful servant,
Tyrone Bibbins, Esq.
Man Who Fights Like Woman
Deer Porn,

I cannot put my head around why someone would want to masturbate to deer fucking, or get fucked by deer. It blows my mind that you even exist.

Regards,
Man Who Fights Like Woman
RedHood
Dear porn:

Remember when me and my best friend from high school found his dads "hidden" folder filled with pornography on their family PC? Remember how at first it was all pretty tame photos of women straddling brass bed posts wearing black lacy negligee.

Then the women began sporting hints of leather and rubber?
Then it got to the videos and photos of heavy bondage complete with gas masks and rubber bodysuits. You sure do make for some awkward moments.

Thank you for the found memories
R. Hood
a flaming monkey
Deer porn, hey? Sounds hot.
HURF BLURF DUH
Dear porn,

I enjoyed our time together last night. When are you free to get together again? How does tonight sound?

I'll be home from work around 6:30, so if that works for you then just pop up on my monitor, OK? Hope to see you then!

Repetitively,
HURF BLURF DUH
Jeff Fries
OY GUVNAH SPLOIKEY SPLEUK LUV JEFF
lucienpsinger
Dear porn,

I'm afraid I must bid you adieu. It is not entirely without regret that I do this, but I feel I need to. For my sake and, dearest porn, for yours.

I recall when first we met. Your cousin Sears Catalog introduced us, and I took an instant shine to you. I confess I was initially a little put off by your brashness, but we sure warmed to each other quick. Ahh, those early years together are a blur now, but I can pick out some points that come in clearly through the haze. I remember trying to discern your details despite the scrambler on channel 99. "Were those boobs? Wait, were THOSE boobs? I think those were boobs!" Later, I recall you secreted away in a folder labeled "School Stuff" and nestled within another folder in another folder. I'm sure we both remember that time we spent the whole day together, and damn the outside world!

But lately--oh porn, I just can't handle you anymore. The chafing, the stains, the wasted hours, the spooge disposal. And porn, I think you're warping my expectations. When I meet a woman and take her home and it turns our she doesn't have a penis or at least a prehensile clitoris, well I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little disappointed.

And porn, for your sake I think I have to say I'm holding you back. If you want to indulge yourself in some Indonesian monkey scat, well who am I to stop you? And just because I'm not into the use of vomit as lubricant, maybe that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Maybe--just maybe--there's something wrong with me. And if that be the case, well then porn, you deserve somebody whose thing it damn well is. Farewell forever, porn.

Yours in Christ,

lucienpsinger
baleen
Now I am reminded of how much I miss you.

Billie_Joe_Buttfuck
Dear porn

Did I forget the milk on the way home?

Yours,

Billie_Joe
Syd Midnight
Dear Porn,

I like you because I have testosterone in my system and don't always feel like wasting an hour on a jerk-off session. So lets define our relationship here.. you are pictures and movies I watch so I can knock one out as fast and intense as possible. Outside of that, we don't know each other.

But if you have powers, Oh God of Porn, somehow switch this frigid woman's estrogen supplements with her impotent husbands testosterone supplements so that she winds up gloriously jerking off in the bathroom while her neuter husband bawls in the kitchen. It's the perfect crime, neither you nor I will can be implicated, since it is the hormones fault.

I love you when you get all emotional and mental and fuck with people, hope you feel the same.

Love, Syd
revdrew
Dear Porn,

I'm sorry for everything bad i did.. I made my uncle and my dad to find me after they thought id lost, n u gave me the punishment.. The last time i wrote letter you a letter Porn, was to apology for that mistake, n my uncle was still alive then, n now he's gone.. Now i don't want any losses in my family..please..enough of losses.. Now my sister wanting a transfer form her school to a state nearby her hometown..She appealed for three times and still haven't got her transfer yet..I knew it was because of the racist people who works in the department. This the the fate of people who lives in this country..Porn, please help her to get a transfer to a school nearby here..And also show a good hearted, equivalent to her qualification, and a nice good looking guy to her, she need to get married by next year..A doctor or a teacher or a businessman would be a good suggestion who is equivalent to her education level.. please help her.make her life easier..

Your servant,

revdrew
robotkarateman
Dear Porn,

I've been told I must get out of the house and away from my computer. The therapist lady on the 900 number tells me it's for my own good. So I'll be going to Denny's for a while. The one on Laremy Street. They've got wifi. I'll be bringing my PSP. Would you like to join me for lunch, Porn? I'll get us a booth.

~Steve
Paracelsus
Dear Porn,

Are we still on for eight?




Blaise
Dear Porn,

I masturbate every evening before bed. Lately I've noticed some lower back and sphincter problems. Can you recommend a good, masturbatory-friendly, ergonomic chair for my computer?

Signed,
If This Chair Is a Rocking.
Ersatz
Dear Porn,
My ex-wife is getting remarried in April, on my mother's 80th birthday, for which we're throwing a large party. My sister (who has been friends with my ex since junior high) has been asked to read at the wedding, but as the oldest of my siblings, she's also expected at the party. The two events are 300 miles apart, so she can't do one in the morning and one in the evening.

My sister asked me for advice on what to do, and I told her I couldn't be impartial, so I held my peace. My sister thinks that I shouldn't have given my opinion anyway, because she knew it would be biased. I don't like giving advice if I can't be fair, but my sister takes that as cowardice. Now we're having arguments about what should be a happy day no matter what event she goes to!

Did I take the right stand?

Signed,
Extremely Reticent to Say Anything Too Zealous
Testicles of Doom
Dear Porn,

Congratulations! It's my great pleasure to welcome you to all the benefits and privileges of a Columbia House Club membership.

Your Pre-Approved MusiCard means you can receive our best offer to first-time members-not available through newspaper or magazine ads-but reserved for a select group of music lovers like you.

Your friend,
Testicles of Doom
UmbilicalFiend
Dear Porn,

SELL THE HOUSESELL THE CAR
SELL THE KIDS
FIND SOMEONE ELSE
FORGET IT
I'M NEVER COMING BACK
FORGET IT


mountain dew insimination
Dear Porn,

The test came back positive. Be careful.

Forgive me,
mountain dew insimination
Pie Boy
deAr PoRN

yOU oNLY hAvvE thREe dayS LEFt

you NEED TO geT youRS shHIT toGETheR or The onLy thing THhe COps wiLl fiND is HEr boNes

tWenty GRanD iN ThE fOUrtH wilLlOW on liNCoLn aVE by MoNDay oR eLSe
joelkazoo
Dear Porn,

At least you'll never leave me!

Regards,
joelkazoo
Riskbreaker
Dear porn:

I'm right behind you, with my dick out!

Regards
Me fucking you in the butt.
gambol
DEAR porn,

REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

FIRST I MUST SOLICIT YOU IN STRICT CONFIDENCE IN THIS AGREEMENT BY VIRTUE OF ITS NATURE BEING HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL AND 'TOP SECRET.' I AM SECURE IN MY TRUST OF YOUR RELIABILITY IN PROSECUTING A TRANSACTION OF THIS DEEPLY IMPORTANT SIZE INVOLVING A PENDING TRANSFER REQUIRING GREAT CONFIDENCE.

I AM A HIGH LEVEL GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL WHO IS INTERESTED IN THE TRANSPORTATION OF GOODS INTO MY COUNTRY WITH FUNDS CURRENTLY TRAPPED IN NIGERIA. WE NOW SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE PROCESS OF ENABLING US TO RELEASE THESE TRAPPED MONIES.

THE MONEY COMES FROM THE LAST MILITARY GOVERNMENT HERE IN NIGERIA. THE OFFICIALS SET UP COMPANIES AND AWARDED THEMSELVES CONTRACTS AND THEY OVER CHARGED THE GOVERNMENT. THE CURRENT GOVERNMENT BEGAN TO REVIEW THE CONTRACTS AND DISCOVERED BIG FUNDS WHICH ARE IN THE BANK OF NIGERIA WAITING FOR PAYMENT.

I CANNOT ACQUIRE THESE MONIES BECAUSE I AM A HIGH LEVEL GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL IN NIGERIA. I SEEK AN OVERSEA PARTNER INTO WHOSE ACCOUNT I MAY TRANSFER THE SUM OF 1,000,000.00 AND BECAUSE OF THIS I NOW WRITE TO YOU. I WOULD DISTRIBUTE THE MONEY IN THIS WAY: 20% FOR THE ACCOUNT OWNER (YOU porn) 70% FOR THE HIGH LEVEL GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL IN NIGERIA (ME) AND 10% FOR TRANSACTIONAL COSTS AND LOCAL TAXES.

THIS ARRANGEMENT IS 100% SAFE AND SECURE BECAUSE I AM A HIGH LEVEL GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL IN NIGERIA. I FIRST REQUIRE, HOWEVER, BY TELEPHONE OF FACSIMILE MACHINE 284-1-5849321 A COPY OF YOUR HOME ADDRESS, A DESCRIPTION OF YOUR CURRENT OCCUPATION AND EMPLOYER, A BANK ACCOUNT AND ROUTING NUMBER, AND YOUR GOVERNMENT IDENTIFICATION NUMBER. WHEN I HAVE RECEIVED THIS INFORMATION I WILL BEGIN OUR SAFE AND SECURE TRANSACTION WITHIN SEVEN (7) BUSINESS DAYS. KEEP AN EYE UPON YOUR BANK ACCOUNT STATEMENTS IN ANTICIPATION OF PAYMENT.

I LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING YOUR INFORMATION AND BEGINNING BUSINESS WITH YOU. I ASK THAT YOU DO NOT SPREAD THIS INFORMATION AROUND BECAUSE I AM A HIGH LEVEL GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL IN NIGERIA. I WILL SEND YOU MORE DETAILS ABOUT THIS OPPORTUNITY WHEN I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR INFORMATION. THANK YOU porn FOR YOUR HELP IN THIS MOST URGENT MATTER.

YOUR FRIEND,
DR. ABADOM OLAMIDE
Hooper_X
Dear Porn,

Thank you for your recent resume and letter expressing your interest in the Dean of Students position at Castleton State College.

We were fortunate to have received many qualified candidates in the search process and have decided to offer the position to another candidate whose credentials and qualifications best suit our current needs. We will keep your application on file for future reference.

Again, we appreciate your interest in Castleton State College and wish you the best of luck in your job search.

Regards,
Hooper_X
Human Resources Director
Squeamish
Dear Porn,

After months of searching, we have finally discovered the lost fertility idol of Yogun-Athra! It was not an easy task - this jungle is beset with cursed creatures of every size and description, and the natives are the picturebook definition of "savage" - but we have triumphed!

We are sending the statue to your men in London; by the time you read this letter, it should already be in your possession. Please note Worthington's travelogue included in this letter. He speaks of the local's strange religious beliefs, such as in the "sacred curse" the statue supposedly carries. Perhaps you could use it to scare some gels on opening night, eh?

Must go, packing up for the trip home. Take care!

- Prof. Octavius Kerrington.
John Holmes Motherfucker
Dear Porn,

I have recently been told that I am one of the millions of Americans who will be afflicted with Alzheimer's disease.

Upon learning this news, Nancy and I had to decide whether as private citizens we would keep this a private matter or whether we would make this news known in a public way.

In the past Nancy suffered from breast cancer and I had my cancer surgeries. We found through our open disclosures we were able to raise public awareness. We are happy that as a result many more people underwent testing.

They were treated in early stages and able to return to normal, healthy lives.

So now, we feel it is important to share it with you. In opening our hearts, we hope this might promote greater awareness of this condition. Perhaps it will encourage a clearer understanding of the individuals and families who are affected by it.

At the moment I feel just fine. I intend to live the remainder of the years God gives me on this earth doing the things I have always done. I will continue to share life's journey with my beloved Nancy and my family. I plan to enjoy the great outdoors and stay in touch with my friends and supporters.

Unfortunately, as Alzheimer's disease progresses, the family often bears a heavy burden. I only wish there was some way I could spare Nancy from this painful experience. When the time comes I am confident that with your help she will face it with faith and courage.

In closing let me thank you, Porn, for giving me the great honor of allowing me to serve as your President. When the Lord calls me home, whenever that may be, I will leave with the greatest love for this country of ours and eternal optimism for its future.

I now begin the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life. I know that for America there will always be a bright new dawn ahead.

Thank you, Porn. May God always bless you.

Sincerely,

Ronald Reagan
Riskbreaker
A poetv classic.
urworstnightmare
ooohhh my. i'm in shambles and drowned in tears for all touching comments here . i have the feeling that we could be all fellows of FAP ( forever anonymous porn ) . let's unite and walk together this long journey of redemption
my excoriated dick is so grateful to the helpfully sweet lady
god bless all americans porn
sorry i have to smash my PC now .. deep sigh ......
Riskbreaker
This is one of the best things on the site, along with that fighter maker video. Love you guys, not more than porn of course.
That guy
Someone buy the site and make a hall of fame, please.

Jet Bin Fever
Yeah, this is important. This means something.

oddeye
is it for sale? - 11/08/14

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