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Desc:Insanely flamboyant private detective. Spy cars, machine guns, a private zoo and a line of toys.
Category:Crime, Fashion
Tags:guns, 70s, spy, JJ Armes, steel claws for hands
Submitted:Architeuthis Tux
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Comment count is 15
allcaps - 2009-01-12

Holy fucking shit, this guy is real. The world seems a little bit brighter today.

Hooper_X - 2009-01-12

Yeah, man. This guy is fucking awesome.

Also: this REALLY needs the "70s" tag.

Architeuthis Tux - 2009-01-12


engrish muffin - 2009-01-12

I cannot get over how fucking funny it is for a guy with hooks (two litte j shaped hooks even) for hands to be called JJ Armes.

Architeuthis Tux - 2009-01-12

I met him as a kid. It was a warm morning, standing in the parking lot of Dolgin's department store. The white building was surrounded by kids and their parents and there was a touring bus off to the side. He arrived on top of the building and then rappelled down to sign boxes of toys.

He signed the box, I shook his hook and I went home.

The toy I got was the action figure of him with a briefcase full of special-purpose hands.

I'd started to wonder if I really remembered him coming down the wall on a rope or not, but I asked my mother and she confirmed that he really did it.

It should also be noted that he lost his hands as a child by playing with dynamite.

This man should not be real.

Aoi - 2009-01-13


You lucky bastard.

athodyd - 2009-01-12

I like how the license plate on his corvette flips around, because maybe it's an entirely different pale yellow 'vette following around Christian Brando's kidnappers

hornung - 2009-01-12

4 for the dorrance steel hooks
4 more for PM magazine

-3 for his staircase not being code.
no way that is 6'8" from the leading tread to the soffit.

Stog - 2009-01-12

This guy is the most fucking awesome dude.

You can keep your Indiana Joneses, your Barack Obamas, and your Abe Vigodas - This guy is seventy and this motherfucker can kill you with his goddamn hooks.

Aoi - 2009-01-12

Is...is that...a motherfucking BUILT-IN GUN in his prosthetic arm?

This man cannot be real. If he was, I would've heard of him before now. Because he would be the most awesome man in the world.

Architeuthis Tux - 2009-01-12

Yes, that is a gun built into his prosthetic.

And he is indeed real. I met him and shook his hook.

He didn't shoot me though.

UnderANeonHalo - 2009-01-13

It would've been a better story. "Yeah I met JJ Armes. I saw him coming out of a restaurant so I said hello. He shook my hand and told me it always nice to meet a fan. As I shook his hook he just grinned at me, a really unsettling kind of grin, the next thing I knew I was lying on the ground bleeding from my abdomen while he swung from a rope ladder dangling beneath a helicopter. His maniacal laughter faded into the distance as he and his helicopter vanished into the night, or maybe it was me losing consciousness. When I woke up I was in the hospital. They told me that the one kidney was damaged too badly and they'd had to remove it, they also gave me a folded piece of paper and told me I must have dropped it. I waited until I was alone to examine it. I cried as I read what he'd written on an 8x10 headshot 'Best wishes kid, I'll see you in hell.' That was the greatest day of my life."

Oldmacho - 2009-01-12

Every now and then, Texas' ability to take things way too far works out if a beautiful and strange way.

ihounokyaku - 2009-01-13


ihounokyaku - 2009-01-13

Also he has a pet tiger and cheetah.

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